The sort of thing I think about...

A quote from Kenneth's f/b.. "Earlier this week my little girl attempted to explain to me why black is ugly. Not all black just the real dark black she clarified. She also told me that she wanted to be just like her teacher, who of course in this educational system is a white woman. "I can see a lot of my future in her" was her exact quote.

This is the part of our development that too often goes unaddressed. In 5th grade (in spite of having PRO BLACK Parents) my little girl is learning that black is somehow inferior to white. This devaluing of black life is intrinsic in our white supremacist social institutions (Schools for sure).

I responded "girl you are crazy, dark skinned blacks are amazingly beautiful." Grabbing my own locks, nothing is more beautiful than your natural look." I love myself to much to think black is anything but great. You need to learn to see yourself in yourself and love what you see."

Not wanting to be lectured to, she said ok and changed the topic.

I know my role, and how I have to constantly give her a different script to read and believe in. I have to convince her that black is beautiful in a world that begs to differ. I have to introduce her to many successful black women and hope she finds a hero in one of them. But too often my words become the small print at the bottom of the worlds narrative." 

***

My thoughts:

This is tragic and the reality of this makes me not know my place in the world, because how do I live in such a way to be part of dismantling that narrative when its perpetuated just by my physical body if I am in spaces where I am working in communities of minorities? How do white people actually dismantle white supremacy in institutions and culture? It's like rape culture- so pervasive there has to be active and intentional disruption. 

It's also problematic in that I don't think the ideal is black communities/white communities/asian communities/latino communities broken down and then broken down again and divided into their smaller minorities-- religious affiliation, sexual orientation, gender identities, etc... but, how do we live together in communities and work towards valuing all the different colors and cultures and ways of being in ways that validate and affirm so that white supremacy isn't perpetuated? What stage are we in now? Do white people need to take a step back from communities where they are over-represented in positions of power/authority? What are the steps I could be taking? How do I support youth development and anti-oppressive, anti-white supremacy in the work I do among kids that I don't look like? and among kids that I do?

here.

I move or the air moves, stirring the moment. Everything is moving. Outside a siren's sound swells in the air smothering the soft notes of a song. Someone dies a violent death almost every other day in this city. But that is only part of the city's story. The grid of streets in southeast Baltimore is becoming familiar, the stretch between Patterson Park and McElderry wearing out my shoes. The people I run into at workshops and lectures and in the community, are becoming expected, affinity and connections sprouting.

I spent last weekend at the prison with AVP. This week, Coach Carter cooked us crabs and we walked to the river with him and his son, later we watched spoken word poems in the 'man-cave' before the football game. "I wanted you to meet my family because we are going to be family. We're going to work together, cry together, struggle together and celebrate together."  Over the week, I listened to people in the neighborhood, especially youth, share their experiences of racism and participated in community art. Listened to lectures by Davon Love, the Baltimore Algebra Project. D. Wight, and Eddie Conway-- discussions of structural/systemic racism, of inheritance, of race and pride, of whiteness, of the prison industrial complex and isolation, of what it has meant for black parents to raise black children and police their behavior so the police won't, of counter-histories, and the importance of remembering.

"One of the things that makes a community strong is their ability to pass on knowledge."

"We have a responsibility to remember..." to disallow the disappearances from history (of entire cultures, of protest and movements, of people), to remember the stories that the system does not want us to access. I never know where to begin this remembering all the stories I'm entrusted and the encounters that need to held on to... this living is so immense.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Rumi 

Baltimore and I are becoming more entwined, and its scary for me to look at a place with the idea of longevity. I'm frightened when I am moved by this city and feel a sense of belonging inside myself, frightened of the lives I might say no to by saying yes to being here, by giving myself to this community-- and frightened by the weariness of insider/outsider dynamics-- but the discomfort whispers of growth.

What is church?

A conversation:


Me:  Yesterday really wearied my soul about the church. I feel disheartened that our churches are so disconnected with the mission of God (and/or overwhelmed with other concerns) that not one of the churches said... let me talk to my pastor, let me see if we have funds to help, I could call a friend, "are they hungry?" i could give them food, etc.  It just made me feel heartbroken and disappointed in some way

granted I only spoke with 10 churches but people were so short and dismissal

 A:  Yeah it is really sad. I guess it just is something that has changed in church culture. Before the church was the institution that took care of those people in need because they saw it as their mission and because there was no one else to do it. The government didnt reach out to those people. There werent non-profit organizations. The church was the non profit. Now that governments have taken on the task and non profits are in place provide services for those in need, I guess the culture or manifestation of church aid has changed dramatically.  As far as providing shelter and keeping clothes on hand are concerned. It is definitely no excuse for a church not to ask "What can we do?" or provide anything that they can

there are plenty of churches that rush to aid that way. But I suppose it is just not the majority. Which means we are in a really sad situation. I think my church growing up was more that way. They went and fed under the bridge every saturday. They had clothing drives and if someone came by they could find something for them or there was food in the kitchen that they would make for them. I blame it on watered down American Christianity.

 Me:  yeah, I feel like non-profits have let church culture off the hook in  way that is actually really detrimental to our mission of community, it actually cedes a lot of power from the church to demonstrate Christ ... I mean there are lots of models of Christian communities existing as spaces of mutual aid and resistance... I've just been thinking a lot lately about the simple way, worship as activism, a church that is planted in a place and is a community center...like reading Dorothy Day's book about the catholic worker (and the place I worked too-- which was set up to be like that)... it was just like, if someone with need shows up, we pitch in to do what we can- and the simple way community in philly operated the same way, occupying an old empty church building and refusing to empty it.

Me: I know there are places doing the work, I just feel betrayed by what Christianity can look like, like you said-- watered down/institutionalized church that kind of follows rules of what church does and doesn't exist simply asking "how would love be manifested in this situation?"

Jesus' life and teachings demand a response that if taken seriously would be radical... and I am still learning how to respond faithfully

 A:  It's true. I dont know when it happened or how it happened but  I think with the dissolution of true community, a consequence was the dissolution of the community church. I dont know which came first. I have actually never seen what you are describing before. Which is really sad.

We have like three churches on one block where I am from. there are churches on every corner. there was never just one that served a place but like bunches all over.

And my church was in like a baptist minsiters union so we did have connection to other churches but never the ones right next to you which is probably a product of denominational separation. I really dont know.

But like a church as a community center, I cant say that I can name one but where I am from, we dont really have communities to speak of  but that's beside the point, I think the problem is that American churches do not emphasize service as a means of serving God. He says time and time to take care of those in need. And we either ignore it, or just focus on evangelizing, or focus on working within the church, or simply focus on ourselves :/

 A:  Well I think Amazing Grace Church is an example of that. They are completely engaged in the McElderry Park Community. They provide services and resources for people in the neighborhood and I thihk they do an amazing job of being a service, community oriented, outreach as mission kind of church.

 Me:  yes to all the things you said- Amazing Grace is fantastic, they're what I'd call a community church, I should of called them. And New Song Ministries runs Martha's Place and an Arts center.

I think there are some churches doing their best. and Alex mentioned too how churches having lost their younger groups makes it so they have a lot less money to work with which is true. (ugh, money.)

There is a church where i went to school that was also a homeless drop-in center... and at church on Sunday there would be homeless folks, children, college students, community members and even cats and dogs

it was fantastic.

aerial poems (somewhere between Chicago and Baltimore)

To the Baltimore I do not yet love,

be patient with me

I dream of the beloved community
where power has been disturbed

and all are at the table

I dream too of the other places
I could be, of the desire to escape

your struggle, to ignore that

life and death are a day's currency

I dream of the forest, of an

already come, of the Black Panthers

and MLK and Dorothy Day and 

the names that I should know by 

now- the sparks of faith

and those whose histories are lost

who fought

to see an incarnation

of justice, of mercy, of love

Who yearned and grieved and toiled

and got up weary and went to bed weary

for a dream yet come

Baltimore, I do not want to belong

to you. I seed my heart to the 

free coast, to the garden, to 

the community I know.

I do not want to stay for you.

Don't be a place that roots me.

But I hear the Spirit speak- in

the voice of Andre... don't come and go,

You can't love a place like that

You can't serve if you do not 

see it is life and death

and he is right but I do 

not want to know

Eventually, one must come to rest.

I do not want you as a birthright.

I do not want a city as a home.

... must mix their blood & sweat

with the land.

Must be in place

to see the dream 

when all awake. 

"because the heart narrows as often as it opens."

It's been difficult for me this winter to find the space I need to process, or hold on to the time that I need for it in the face of so many possibilities to spend time learning or building new friendships. This weekend at the Forum for Theological Exploration conference for leaders in discernment, I felt like pieces of my identity were re-centered and reawakened.  Before I arrived, I read Mary Oliver's poem Red Bird and the particular line that is the title of this post laid on my heart all weekend calling me to grace.

I didn't know what to expect from the weekend but what I found was a space to enter into the beloved community and I am still surprised and moved by the incredibly reality of the covenant we made to each other. Despite the diversity of theology/tradition the space was safe and sacred-- which surely isn't my every day experience. The spirit of generosity wonder, hospitality, and listening was tangible. It was a space of encounter and conversations surfaced for me that I had been processing mostly in my own experience without others to discuss with-- especially around queerness and my role as an outsider to the community I work in. Both those topics are complex, so I am going to begin with an easier thing... this weekend reminded me that I need to write.