This week I did a 40-hr training course in Mediation & Conflict Transformation skills from the transformative/relational framework, which is a theory of conflict resulting from fracture in interactions and the human spirits yearning for understanding & respect where restoring the quality of interactions leads to shifts in empowerment & recognition. (Brilliant.)
One of the many things I am still thinking about was a chart that had styles of conflict and that avoidance was low on personal goals and low on relationship goals. For a long time I thought of avoidance as highly relational, I was after all saying nothing because I wanted to preserve the harmony and I'd take responsibility for how I felt, what I could do better, etc. It's taken me a long time to realize that avoiding conflict or ignoring it or choosing only to deal with my internal side of it isn't a relationship bridge- it's a barrier of its own. It doesn't allow the relationship to grow or for the other participant to acknowledge harm, clarify, or simply have agency in how they'd respond to my emotions. I have suffered a lot of things over the years because of avoiding the way I'd been disappointed, hurt, had trust broken, etc. and being willing to "forgive & forget." One of the trainers of the course defined forgiveness as extending the possibility to rebuild/regain trust. I thought about how often in avoiding conflict, I haven't given people a chance to recognize how they've broken my trust (I'm looking at this one-sided because I also tend to be accommodating so if the conflict is originating in someone else catching a feeling about something I did I'm quick to apologize.) I woke up from a dream about a friendship that dissolved almost 5 years ago and I felt a sense of grief, that I have lost so much because I didn't know how to be direct, how to say even "this hurts me." I've been a champion (for the past few years) of asking for what you need, saying what you want, etc. but the slowness of making that my own reality, and the cost of not seeking to grow through a relationship by directly exploring our conflict is settling on me in a new way. I'm thankful to feel more empowered and certain of my voice these days and excited to approach my conflict more directly, seeking collaboration and understanding of the deeper roots, instead of turtling up in my shell.
